The road to finding myself :)

Growing up is difficult for everyone, but always feeling like you'll never be good enough for even your family is really rough. Let me elaborate here, I grew up being called a "cunt", fat, ugly, a whore, a bitch, a retard, stupid etc. However, as much as I want to believe that I am none of these things, these names continue to be thrown at me by my relatives. 

Today I went to church for the first time in a long time. I called my aunt after church today and when she asked if it was a Catholic church, I simply replied with no. She then assumed it was a Protestant church that I had attended, to which I also replied, "no". I did inform her that it was a Christian church and then she got mad at me. I'm not really sure why but shit happens I guess.

In this crazy life I just need something to believe in, something bigger than myself, someone I can confide in who won't tell my secrets. And I figured God was the right guy for the job. I had a prayer said at church today for my uncle Robert who passed away in January....I sat there and bawled like a baby. 

I hope that in going back to church I can somehow better myself, but only time will tell.

Blogging more :)

Sorry I haven't really been blogging lately, I've had a lot going on and things are starting to calm down.
This morning even though Dennis and I got off to a late start, so far we've had a much better day than we have been lately. <3

Decisions, decisions....

Now I know that usually when I'm sitting here writing, I'm "whining" or "complaining", well that's what I use this blog for, but I would choose the word venting, instead. For those of you who don't like it, kindly kiss my ass, or stop reading. I don't trust many people, and I've been through a hell of a lot in my 22 years, and really don't wanna put up with anymore.

In just the last 2 weeks, I applied to and got accepted into college and was due to start on September 30th, however I made the decision that right now is not the best time for me to go back to college. I still owe almost $5,000 in previous student loans, several thousand dollars in child support, almost $800 in medical bills, and other expenses. The sad reality is that I really cannot afford to cause myself anymore debt.

I can't just continue to sit around and do nothing with my life, I have to do something, make something of myself. I don't wanna work for minimum wage for the rest of my life, but for the time being, that's what I'm gonna have to do until I get all my debt paid off so that I can actually afford to go back to school. I want to make something of myself, one where, when I've passed on people can look back and say, oh...Ruby Sommerville, yeah she did that! But unfortunately I don't really know if I'll be able to leave a name for myself, and it scares the hell out of me.

I'm just incredibly lucky to have my boyfriend Dennis by my side, he really has been a great help and support system, through my having a miscarriage, then me needing to find a place to live. And no matter how badly I mess up, he somehow is able to find it within himself to smile and still tell me he loves me and that he'd do anything to make me happy. This isn't a kind of relationship I've had before, yes I've been married and divorced, but when I messed up he got mad and that was it, you couldn't talk to him to try and explain, or talk to him at all even if all was calm, granted at the time I wasn't the greatest wife in the world, but whatever.

This relationship that I have with Dennis, its not like anything I've had or even witnessed before, and I know it'll sound weird, but it scares me. I'm scared that maybe one day I'll lose this wonderful man, I'm scared that I'm not good enough, or that I won't be able to continue to be good enough for him. He's everything I've ever wanted and more.

Less than 2 weeks of "family" drama.....oh the motherfucking joy -_-

Life has never been easy for me, but then again, has it really been easy for any of us? Let me put it this way, I found out roughly a month ago that I was expecting. Of course, I was scared, but just like the first time I was pregnant while living with my mother, I was expected to get an abortion, and the man I believed to be the father was willing to pay for the procedure. I went to visit my ex who lives over an hour away to try and work things out, I then begin receiving messages stating that because some guy is lying I'm not going to have a place to live, and I have my elderly aunt threatening me. It becomes an argument, and I try to encourage my mother to stand up for herself, because it was my cousin who took it upon herself to throw me out of my mother's apartment and I was under the impression that my mother had the final say. My mother responded by telling me to go fuck myself and that she isn't afraid of anyone and things like that. All I said to encourage her was; ma, you've gotta pick your battles, its your house, therefore your decision, you let her run your life and I can see that it makes you miserable you're stronger than this; and still she continued to shut me and my encouraging words down. I was raised to respect my elders, and I'll admit it, I'm not happy or proud about what I said to my 75 year old great aunt, but I had to stand up for myself sometime, I did in fact tell her that she needed a hearing aid and for her to go fuck herself because I was completely done with their "family". I thought family was supposed to be there for one another no matter what the situation, but as soon as shit gets rough and my cousin's "billy bad ass" wants to come out and play they all pussy out and let her do whatever the fuck she wants and get away with it. Dennis and his family have since allowed me to live here with them, Dennis and I are now back together, and so far so good, we did hit a pretty big hurdle when I lost the baby, but we're still going strong. When Dennis, his mother and I went to get my things we made sure to have an officer present because of the threatening, my aunt refused to allow me to gather my things because I had sworn at her... I know that you aren't supposed to interrupt when a police officer is speaking to someone, but I had to...she really thinks that because I swore at her, that gives her the 'right' to not allow me to get my stuff, I told her that not only is threatening someone a crime, it is an even harsher offense if the person being threatened is 1-a minor child, 2-elderly, 3-disabled, 4-pregnant. The officer then asked me to head outside and said that he would talk with me in a minute. When he got to the truck, he said that I would be allowed to get my belongings when my mother arrived home, and had suggested himself that I call for another officer to keep things under control because, in the officer's exact words "She's being uncooperative, and I really don't wanna take an elderly woman to jail". I guess I just find it funny that after all this, they still expect me to bend over and kiss their asses. And even funnier still, they then take it upon themselves to try and start drama between myself and my older sister, thinking she won't call me to confront me, so we actually ended up comparing notes, and they're looking for drama. Its like they feed off of it. Some family, huh? But I think you all have read enough about my family drama for one post.

Where I've been and where I am now.

Growing up I wasn't the greatest person, especially not in my teen years. I was disrespectful, always told my mother I hated her, always getting into trouble at home. Sometimes it seemed like I didn't know anything but trouble. 

When I was 18 and I had finally gotten a taste of freedom, it was like I was hooked on crack or something. I wanted more, I would fiend for more, always wondering what else was out there. I was reckless, I did what I wanted to do, I didn't care who I hurt in the process. At that point all I cared about was going out, partying, drinking, and doing drugs.

For me it was a lifestyle. I don't think anyone knew if I would ever break out of that particular lifestyle. Hell even I didn't know, I had my doubts too.

Now, I'm 22, I work full time, I live back at home with my family, but I'm getting my life on track. It took a really long time, and I wish I had realized what I needed to do sooner. 

My daughter is my guardian angel, she saved my life. If it wasn't for her I don't know where I'd be. Probably in a ditch somewhere. So Hailey, if one day you see this, just know that I love you with all my heart, and you truly are the greatest person to ever come into my life. You saved me from myself, and that is something that no one else could ever do.

Losing my best friend of 18 years? No, I am not okay. Will I be? Soon enough.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have 2 sisters, one older, and one younger; making me the middle child. My older sister and I are 13 years apart in age, while my younger sister and I are only about 3 1/2 years apart in age. 

Growing up, I didn't have many friends, I went to school, came home, and went to doctor's appointments. That was my life, the only friend I really had was my younger sister. I was awful to her, always teasing her, making fun of her. If there was a world's worst older sister award, I probably would have won it.  But regardless she still loved me unconditionally. 

Today she moved out. It was like a huge part of my life just left. Don't get me wrong, I understand that she wants her freedom and independence, and is more than entitled to it.

I don't know, maybe I'm just afraid that I won't see her again,  maybe I'm afraid that our family is falling apart. All I know is I miss my little sister, and its driving me crazy. All I wanna do is cry. 

I'm trying to be strong, but I don't know its just not possible.

I'm not who I used to be.

I'm no longer the closet emo, I'm no longer "in the closet", I'm no longer whiny. I've learned to create my own happiness, I've come out to my entire family, and I've learned that what doesn't kill you, truly does make you stronger. I'm not the go through a bout of depression then threaten suicide girl. I'm that girl who's been through so much shit that she quite literally can't even be bothered with all the negative emotions. I no longer take shit from anyone, I brush it off. Its not even worth my time. Its taken me an insanely long time to learn to just go with the flow, not give a fuck, and do what I have to do to make a better life for myself. I wish I had realized all these things when I was younger. But I was young, naive, foolish, and down right stupid. Maybe I am still the same girl, just grown up a bit? Who knows? All I know is, I'm glad I'm not that same girl anymore. I love who I'm becoming. And that's not something I've ever been able to say until now.