Where I've been and where I am now.

Growing up I wasn't the greatest person, especially not in my teen years. I was disrespectful, always told my mother I hated her, always getting into trouble at home. Sometimes it seemed like I didn't know anything but trouble. 

When I was 18 and I had finally gotten a taste of freedom, it was like I was hooked on crack or something. I wanted more, I would fiend for more, always wondering what else was out there. I was reckless, I did what I wanted to do, I didn't care who I hurt in the process. At that point all I cared about was going out, partying, drinking, and doing drugs.

For me it was a lifestyle. I don't think anyone knew if I would ever break out of that particular lifestyle. Hell even I didn't know, I had my doubts too.

Now, I'm 22, I work full time, I live back at home with my family, but I'm getting my life on track. It took a really long time, and I wish I had realized what I needed to do sooner. 

My daughter is my guardian angel, she saved my life. If it wasn't for her I don't know where I'd be. Probably in a ditch somewhere. So Hailey, if one day you see this, just know that I love you with all my heart, and you truly are the greatest person to ever come into my life. You saved me from myself, and that is something that no one else could ever do.

Losing my best friend of 18 years? No, I am not okay. Will I be? Soon enough.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have 2 sisters, one older, and one younger; making me the middle child. My older sister and I are 13 years apart in age, while my younger sister and I are only about 3 1/2 years apart in age. 

Growing up, I didn't have many friends, I went to school, came home, and went to doctor's appointments. That was my life, the only friend I really had was my younger sister. I was awful to her, always teasing her, making fun of her. If there was a world's worst older sister award, I probably would have won it.  But regardless she still loved me unconditionally. 

Today she moved out. It was like a huge part of my life just left. Don't get me wrong, I understand that she wants her freedom and independence, and is more than entitled to it.

I don't know, maybe I'm just afraid that I won't see her again,  maybe I'm afraid that our family is falling apart. All I know is I miss my little sister, and its driving me crazy. All I wanna do is cry. 

I'm trying to be strong, but I don't know its just not possible.

I'm not who I used to be.

I'm no longer the closet emo, I'm no longer "in the closet", I'm no longer whiny. I've learned to create my own happiness, I've come out to my entire family, and I've learned that what doesn't kill you, truly does make you stronger. I'm not the go through a bout of depression then threaten suicide girl. I'm that girl who's been through so much shit that she quite literally can't even be bothered with all the negative emotions. I no longer take shit from anyone, I brush it off. Its not even worth my time. Its taken me an insanely long time to learn to just go with the flow, not give a fuck, and do what I have to do to make a better life for myself. I wish I had realized all these things when I was younger. But I was young, naive, foolish, and down right stupid. Maybe I am still the same girl, just grown up a bit? Who knows? All I know is, I'm glad I'm not that same girl anymore. I love who I'm becoming. And that's not something I've ever been able to say until now.

FE (Iron) MALE (Man): Therefore, she is Iron Man.

Of the females in my age range, there is only one that I can truly say that I trust, Casper :). Like me she has been through hell and back and is on that trip again, but she is strong, stubborn, and the most loyal  person I know. She becomes stronger with each breath, as do I. I can relate to her better than anyone else in my life, we have so much in common its insane. I love that we're both dysfunctional as hell and while we don't judge each other yet we can sit there and poke fun at everything and all the crap we've been through like its nobody's business. I never thought I'd find a friend like her. She's more than a friend or best friend, she's more like a sister. I love you :)

First blog entry ever....let's see how it goes

So with this being my first blog and first blog entry, let's see how this pans out...

So my name's Ruby, 22, divorced, living back at home with mom. I've dealt with and been through more b.s than most people I know, but I know that many more have had it harder, and knowing that helps keep me grounded. 

In high school, I was the choir geek, the emo but never let anyone know, the medicated, the always depressed, the eat my feelings girl. However all that is changing. I still love to sing, I'm no longer emo, no longer medicated, depressed from time to time, recovering from a brief stint with anorexia girl.

Not many people know about how or why I starved myself, if I knew why I would have done something about it. I get sick a lot because my body is still re-adjusting to having to digest food. But I know that I have to fight through it. And my mom sure didn't raise no quitter.


I firmly believe in "go big or go home" and "no pain no gain" I take these sayings and turn them into a lifestyle.

My friends list on facebook is fairly big. Out of all of them aside from family I only truly trust 2 of them. Zach T. and Casper :) They truly are my best friends. I couldn't ask for more crazy, dysfunctional and supportive friends even if I wanted to. They understand me, and they don't judge. They know more about me than most anyone else and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I have a daughter, Hailey. She's almost 2 and a half. When I found out I was pregnant, I was homeless and had nothing. My older sister Doreen, helped me out. When I decided to place Hailey in Doreen's custody I was about 5.5 months along with the pregnancy. I didn't take the time to get a job; looking at things from a business stand point: Why would you hire someone who is 6 months pregnant just to have them go on maternity leave in a couple months? It breaks my heart everyday that I don't get to watch her grow, learn, and make friends, but when you're a parent you do everything you can to make sure your child has everything they possibly can no matter how much it hurts you.

I love music, I love to sing. I want to learn to play an instrument, perhaps acoustic guitar, drums, bass guitar, electric guitar, piano. Anything. I definitely want to start writing my own songs and laying down some tracks, perhaps even start an acapella group. But one thing at a time right?

I know this blog post was very jumbled, however it was also my first ever, they'll be more structured from now on. Promise :)